KEVAN KOYA

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Not alone (A poem by KMW)

How could I fully understand,
Being a child,
The anger that you felt towards me?
Like storm clouds gathered,
Blackened and terrifying,
You were filled with so much anger.
Why filled with so much rage?
As swiftly as lighting strikes the tree with tremendous force,
Followed by a splitting sound,
So my trembling limbs
Would fall, helplessly, crashing to the ground.
What terrible thing did I do that could deserve, or justify,
The physical anger that I received from you?
So much force was channelled through your hands.
I was a child,
Looking up to you as my guardian,
Looking up to you for gentle words of care, encouragement, and love,
To guide and support me through my childhood
And to help me reach a better understanding.
Through all of this, I now realise,
Looking back at my childhood,
I was not alone.

The candle flame,
That flickered and danced,
Shining out with all it's love and security,
A light that was given to me,
In just one breath, you so effortlessly extinguished,
Only to fill my world with fear
And consuming darkness.
As I gazed up at you,
Through the eyes of a questioning child,
In your silence
You walked away.
But now I realise,
Looking back at my childhood,
I was not alone.

The love that you both offered me resembled an empty house,
with rooms cold, bare and uninviting;
Endless corridors with walls, that echoed the loneliness that I felt,
A place where no words or laughter could break its deathly silence,
Sparsely adorned with images of all your beliefs
And pictures of smiling faces,
Hiding behind eyes that lacked true understanding and love.
Then came the final blow of your cruel rejection,
Shadowed by its continual silence and your indifference towards me.
I was cast out,
unarmed, defenceless, pathless,
As a boat rocking and swaying on turbulent waters,
unprotected by a harbour wall,
Exposed to the elements
and left to the mercy of the sea.
But now I realise,
Looking back at my childhood,
I was not alone.

As an adult,
Wearied by all the unanswered questions
And your continuing silence,
No words expressing remorse,
No words offering forgiveness,
No words,
And as I walk away from this fragile bridge between us,
Now sadly fallen into ruin and beyond repair,
I look towards my future laying down this heavy burden
of all the hurt and rejection, that I have carried for so long,
In the hope of finding peace.
But now l realise,
Looking back at my childhood,
I was not alone,
Because there, in the strength of my faith and belief,
Standing by my side,
was the Lord with love and understanding.

It's not for me to judge you, my parents.
However there will come a time,
As for each and everyone of us,
In the moment you take your final breath,
To break your silence,
For then, you will be answerable to God.

Words by KMW





Loneliness man under tree

Copyright Kevan Koya

Last Updated 10/05/2017